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Welcome to Q&A with KK! Also featured on VIP IN THE 303!
Please note: All comments are entirely my opinion and are answered by a student seeking her license in Sexuality Education Counseling
Question:
So I’ve met this really cool guy and we seem to be hitting it off, we spent a lot of time together recently. I’ve recently found out that he has a 4 month old son, who he is trying to get custody of. I think that’s great! Stepping up and taking responsibility, kuddos to him. My issue is I’m not getting any younger, and I’m not sure if I want to be with a guy, who has a kid. It’s not a bad thing, but I’m worried about my future, my future with him and my future with the kid. Is this something that I should be worried about?
Answer:
I don’t think worried is the right word. What you need to do, is figure out if having a child that is not yours, in your life, is an issue? If you are unsure, my gut says go for it, give it a try. The infant is young enough that he won’t get attached at this time. Even after a year of dating, the baby won’t be filled with the heart ache and loss that a walking and talking child will… but keep in mind that you might. We as adults entering into relationships that not only involve a partner, but a little one when they you not only mourn the loss of your partner, but also the child. Another question for you – are you going to be ok with being second in line, because his baby is going to be his number one priority? The only reason I would be against this relationship is that his priority right now is going to be his child. Whether it is going to court to get custody of him or spending bonding time alone, his son is going to be number one which means this might not be the right time. He is going to have to figure out what HE wants right now. If you start dating now, time will only tell. He might feel pulled in different directions between his child and you, and with this game of tug-of-war, he’s going to let go of one side, and you will just have to be prepared… because it will probably be you.
Question:
I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for about 6 months. It’s her first “serious” relationship and my second. We’ve chatted a bit about the marriage thing, but haven’t solidified anything at this point. Right before the holiday she broke things off, stating that things were getting too serious. After the Thanksgiving, she contacted me and she wants to get back together and will wait for me to decide if I should take her back.
I’ve spoken with a friend who asked me if anyone came into her or my life recently. Her friend came in from out of town, but that’s all, He came back to visit, and she informed me that they’ve always been friends. Should I worry? Or do you think that she was just overwhelmed with the holiday coming up and the plans that were being made? I really am serious about this girl, and wonder if she would try this again.
Also do you think that I should tell her that I’ve proposed to someone before her? Or would that just be better left alone?
Answer:
Ok…a few things first. (This is a time when I wish the questions were live instead of submitted) You said that this is your second “serious relationship” so I am going to assume your first is the same girl that you proposed to? Now back to the girl… she could have broken it off for one reason but there are two possible outcomes. One she was scared about rushing things (you have been talking about marriage and you are one more “up” on her) and confided in her friend or she is scared about things with you and chose to sleep with her old “friend” when HE came into town. Should you worry, no.
Holiday’s are a stressful time for anyone. Add onto the fact that she has never been in a serious relationship, and the pressure starts to build. Talks of you and your family and her obligation to be there can get kind of scary. All I do ask of you is that you should talk with her. Ask her why she wants to get back together and what is going to be different this time. Ask her to communicate with you (yes being a male, I know this will be a stretch but I’m sure you could if you really love her). And for goodness sake, if you do decide to try it again, you NEED to ask her if she slept with anyone else while you were apart. This is not implying that she slept with her friend; this is simply you looking out for yourself and keeping safe. I stress that if she did, make sure you both get an STI test because of recent change in partners (you can go to a clinic where most of the time they are free).
Last but not least, the previous proposal… I have to say I find it odd that this hasn’t come up before in conversation, especially with you two already talking marriage. If you haven’t talked about the past or previous relationships (we all have some baggage); it should come up at some point, hopefully prior to the presenting of the ring.
Looks like you guys have some discussions ahead of you. Wait for the marriage thing by starting off slow and get to know one another again, not via the bedroom but taking time out of your day to talk and learn some things about each other. Feel free to put everything out on the table because, in the end, what is the worst that can happen? You might learn sometime new that helps make the decision that could change your life.
Sorry I have been on hiatus, the holiday’s have been a little crazy….anyway, onto the question!
Question:
Why do straight married women think it’s not cheating if they sleep with women? And worst….why do their husband’s think it’s all ok?
Answer:
First and foremost, all joking aside, cheating is cheating.
This issue gets my blood boiling! It also reminds me of an incident with a friend of mine. She was a woman over the age of 40 yet had only slept with one person, her husband of 15+ years. We were at a dance club when my sweet innocent friend stood there on the dance floor with the most perplexed look on her face. You see, she was confused as to why women were dancing with other women, well I guess you couldn’t call it dancing but more like grinding. Legs tangled up in each other, body parts rubbing against other no-no body parts. Here are a bunch of women getting dirty with each other, but what she failed to notice was that they were doing it to attract the men. If you took a look around the circle you would see that most of the men were staring with lust, where if the men were cartoons, we would have to watch our step to avoid tripping over their tongues as they rolled across the floor.
Or we can bring up Katie Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” which pushed the girl on girl action popularity beyond that of the “college experiment”. Women are beautiful…the thought of two of them, even better. Men are visual creatures, so taking one of their favorite things; times it by two and putting them together, they are through the roof! Some women think they are exploring themselves by testing the waters with other women or they know that the thought of themselves getting excited about a member of the same sex will turn on their husband (otherwise there is a whole category of porn no one is watching).
However, I will warn you, though the thought of your wife getting it on with another woman might turn up the heat in your current relationship, you aren’t bothering to look at the big picture. This is something that will change, alter or ruin your relationship. Whether the person has a penis or a vagina, whether it is emotional or physical, cheating is still cheating. PERIOD.
Hi everyone, I would like to introduce you to a new addition to my blog. Q&A with KK!
Thanks to the help of VIP in the 303, I will now be answering submitted questions on relationships, sex and dating! All Q&A will be posted under the category “Q&A with KK”. As a reminder, please see the “future possibilities” tab for more details.
Question:
Is it cheating if your man talks to two girls on the internet? Because my man doesn’t think that it is cheating. Also, how many times a week or month is it normal to have sex. I feel like my man is losing interest!
Answer:
Well, these are two very broad questions, which means I am only able to answer them in a broad manner. As for talking on the internet with member of the opposite sex, this is not cheating unless their typing has turned from innocent conversation to naughty flirting. I have many friends of the opposite sex however I would never do anything with them that my partner might find threatening. I always openly communicate with my partner so there is no fear of me hiding anything to ever bring on the thought of me cheating. As for a sex quota, even with all the studies and surveys out there, there is no normality when it comes to sex. This is different for every person and every couple, depending on personal preferences, relationships status and time availability.
Now before you go wasting your energy trying 25 of “The 101 ways to turn him on”; What I can tell you is, you don’t sound happy or fulfilled in your current relationship and it’s time for you to sit down and talk with your partner and address some of these issues that are bothering you. Now, this doesn’t mean attacking him out of the blue, already angry and hyped up on adrenaline. You need to find a time to talk in a calm manner, let him know how you are feeling. Making sure to use all “I” statements, never accusatory “You” statements. Examples – “it hurts ME when…” or “I feel like…” instead of “YOU are cheating…” or “YOU never have sex with me …” Make sense? And if it still isn’t working, try couples counseling (plenty in the Denver metro area) or take a look inside yourself and ask if you are benefiting from the relationship?
No matter what the outcome, I wish you the best of luck! And if you have any additional questions or want suggestions on where to find a therapist or counselor, don’t hesitate to contact me at Kristen@KristenKady.com
*please note that the question was edited to remove slang
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