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pancake fun!
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If only...
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Between Merida and Cancun, Mexico
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Salmon BLT Sliders with Chipotle Mayo by howsweeteats #Salmon #Bacon #Chipotle #Sliders #howsweeteats
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Lamb Sliders with Tzatziki by fotocuisine #Lamb #Sliders #fotocuisine
Half a Toe in the Dating Pool
Dating… Up until recently the word dating to me was about the equivalent of nails on a chalk board. Each time I thought of braving the dating world it made me cringe. I just didn’t want to do it [insert a visual of a grown adult throwing a childish temper tantrum].
I have never dated what I thought to be the “normal” way. Where two people meet, the male asks the girl out and after going out a few times they migrate to the relationship zone. In the past, I have dated men that I was friends with first (and usually worked with) for a minimum of a month or two before one random event tipped the scales from friends to a relationship. Only once in my life do the norm dating. He was a complete stranger that I met at a public Halloween party downtown but after one date and an attempt at another, it ended. You see, I could never start a relationship with a man that giggled like a 14 year old prepubescent girl. It drove me bonkers!
It wasn’t until I was talking with Luisa two weeks ago (OK- more like whining) about whether I should start to date or not that I realized why I was shying away from dating. It wasn’t that my past wasn’t filled with normal dating experiences; it was because I was scared of being rejected. And who doesn’t? But I decided to make a change this year. In fact, I have already got the ball rolling and changing my mindset which has also spread to other areas of my life.
If you remember during my 30 blog challenge I had a few simple, yet difficult for me habits that I was hoping to incorporate into the New Year. I have already gone almost two months with keeping a clutter free and clean apartment, bought a new working out video and this week, made most of my own meals (not even TV dinners for lunch). I made small changes like using my best sheets (350 thread count Egyptian cotton sateen purrrr) and added a pillow to the other side of the bed, which makes I have to admit makes the bed look a little less lonely. I even went so far as to wax my legs for the first time in about 10 years! While I made a sticky mess everywhere and despite the “emergency” call to mom (possible only through the use of an elbow and non-sticky knuckle) I am still proud of myself at how great my legs look! No need to shave now!
The one area that is still a work in progress is my she-woman man-hater attitude. I have gotten better at learning to accept drinks from men or letting them pick up the tab. This one is REALLY hard for me but I trying to balance my individual-I don’t need a man to buy my anything side with my feminine side that isn’t as dominate. It’s difficult to let go of the feeling of obligation to “repay” the thank you, even though men say they want nothing in return. I can say from experience that many men have expected something in return, even had a guy get upset with me for giving him a hug instead of a make out session as he walked me to my car. While I don’t have dating rules, you most likely won’t find me making out with strangers in a parking lot after only knowing them for two hours.
If you have been sitting on the side lines like myself and have been thinking of jumping back into the game, I found these few articles online that aren’t filled with hokey fluff or rainbows and unicorns but down-to-earth sensible information. My favorite is the first one!
*How to Have It All: 5 Steps to Finally Find Love This Year
*5 Ways To Attract Love In 30 Days
*8 Modern Dating Rules Every Single Should Know
Next step for me – finishing my online profile for Match.com. I have had one before but I never really set it up and cancelled it shortly afterwards…twice. Who knows what kind of funny stories this roller coaster of a ride will create.
Just Another Birthday
Here it is, just a few days away from my birthday and it’s about to be one of the busiest and most stressful times for me this year. So busy in fact, if it weren’t for Luisa trying to make plans, I might have actually forgotten it was my birthday at together.
You see, as I take a break from packing, my birthday lands on a Wednesday this year, which of course is a school night filled with an anthropology quiz and stuck in class until 8:30pm. Not to mention, I have my take home mid-term that is due the next class along with a portion of my 3-5 page research paper. While that doesn’t seem too daunting, lets throw in the fact that I am moving this weekend. The thought of how high my stress levels are going to be have kept me paralyzed at times to avoid it all together. But tonight I have created a giant black trash bag of Goodwill items including clothes, shoes and movies as well as packed over 12 boxes with many many more to go.
You know, maybe it is the high stress time between school and my life but I really don’t care about this birthday. Not as much as I think my father does. You see my father has had it set in his mind to “get his daughter married off” most likely as I am getting “old”. In the course of two weeks my father has tried to set me up with two different men. The first is the guy at the Verizon Wireless store. He was so proud because he didn’t give the guy my cell phone number, just showed him my picture and got his information. If I was a desperate single woman I might have jumped at the chance but with my life being so busy, I don’t have time to fit in half my friends let alone a new man. Then there was the staff member at the wedding last weekend. Yes, you heard me, the banquet server who lives in Fort Collins that worked my nieces wedding. What is worse is that my own sister, (yes you Becky) and my mother, left me hanging and having to publicly decline my fathers pushing and the boys offer to take me dancing after the wedding. Seriously?! You just asked to take me dancing as I just came off the dance floor at the event you are working? Are you asking to dance at my nieces wedding or go someplace to dance at midnight? I would add in more details however I have a feeling that would make me come off looking like a stuck up witchy woman when in fact I would just be telling the harsh truth. The episode did at least make for comical conversations for the next 15 minutes between Becky, my mother and my niece Jenn joking about what our “how we met” story could have been like.
As I enter into the last year of my twenties I am actually OK with where I am in life. I have dropped the desperation level of wanting children as I have accepted my life for where I am and the road that I am on. That I am ready for a relationship but right now, I just haven’t found the man that is ready for me. I know that I can be a lot to handle; a brain that runs at full speed causing me to “think too much”, my hormones sometimes taking a ride on an emotional roller coaster and then there is always the social anxiety that still creeps up every once and awhile but the right man will think all of that is nothing hard to handle or put up with when you add in all the good things that I provide. If in 5 years that I haven’t found someone, then I can start feeling the need to procreate with an anonymous sperm donor. I appreciate my father trying to help but the type of man that he is looking for and what I am looking for are two different things. Even I struggle with what I want that luckily Luisa is there to call me out every once and awhile and remind me what type of man can really put up with me. *wink
So with the next week this birthday will pass by and I am just fine with that, I celebrated big last year and next year I can do the same for my 30th birthday. To me it is just another day, just another birthday that will come and go and no one will notice, maybe not even myself. As for me, I have got to get back to work as this place isn’t going to pack itself (but that would be a pretty awesome birthday gift. A girl can dream, right?)
Weekend Randoms
I am not going to lie; I have been a lazy bum this weekend. With the Memorial Day weekend I have been blessed with an extra day of free time. So today I plan on running just a few errands and then heading off to the park with friends but I thought I would give you a little update.
I have officially become a member of 24hour Fitness. I absolutely dread going to the gym, it is the one place that I have not overcome the social anxiety – mostly likely because I just chose to avoid it then get over it. With the transition of bartending full time to my office job and sitting at a desk all day, I managed to put on about 10 pounds, but with the change of my schedule (getting out after 7pm) I put on an additional 10 pounds in the past 2 months. I have been saying for months that I am going to lose weight but my current exercise plans are obviously not working, so …the gym it is. I’m on my way to getting physically fit!
I started teaching myself to knit. Here is a glimpse of what I started. It has doubled in size since this photo but not sure if I am going to do anything with it. I want to try knitting with a smaller yarn because if I am not paying attention, I will accidentally split the yarn in half (hard to explain without a visual) but I am glad that I finally learned. I also don’t see myself doing much with it since it causes pain in my hands if I do it too many days in a row. Besides the knitting, I have started a new book but have only made it through the first chapter so not too much to say right now.
Last but not least, I thought this was too funny not to share.
I recently came across this horoscope for the month and I couldn’t agree more. While I won’t dive into the relationship part right now, I will say I have managed to improve my credit score by over 120 points! It really took a dive when I went without income and was living like I had more than enough. I paid off about 60% of my credit card debit and configured most of my current debit to have 0% interest. My goal is to finish paying it all off before the end of the year which I think is a possibility. With getting my credit under control, I am feeling more comfortable with searching for a home to purchase.
That’s about it for today.
If you don’t mind, I am going to hop in the shower, ignore the household chores for now and head out to enjoy a wonderful sunny day in my beautiful city! Hoping that Gigi’s Cupcakes is open because I have had a craving for awhile! May you enjoy your Memorial Day with family and friends and I leave you with this opinion page in regards to Memorial Day remembrance.
It’s All About Me!
Oh my word… how things have changed in the past few weeks since my hair cut, but so many to list and most not appropriate here. School is over so now I officially have one day off a week! Don’t forget – I work 40 hours Monday through Thursday and then work job number 2 on Saturday and Sunday. Friday is now my FREE DAY!
I have spent so much time over the past 5 months “being busy” that I am finally taking time out for…me. Call me selfish but the changes have already started and I’m enjoying every minute of it!
Where do I begin?
Things I have started doing
- Growing plants – planted my first Paper White bulbs which have grown but yet to bloom
- New pets – since I can’t commit to a dog, I have decided to grow my own Sea-Monkeys!
- I have about 30 right now but am looking to transfer into a “grownup” container
- With the design of the new artistic Sea-Monkey habitat, I had to by some lanyard and have found myself getting back to making lanyards – it helps keep my stress level down at work
- Forcing myself to leave work #1 no later than 15 minutes after my shift
- Get out an walk on the Dam after work near my house before the sun goes down – 2.5 miles
- Going to a therapist (which I think he still wonders why I am going) mostly to not talk my friends/family’s ears off over and over
Things I want to start doing
- Start getting healthy – I have been slacking in the nutrition and exercise department
- Read a book – my therapist suggested one that sounds pretty interesting
- Write, write, write! – I don’t blog enough and want to start writing some article type posts
- Learn how to knit – I bought a “learn how” kit when I was at Michael’s so starting this weekend
- Find a church that I feel I belong to – a real community I can be a part of
- Get out and enjoy my summer in Denver!
- Want to go to The Science Lounge some time if anyone wants to go (can’t go this Thursday)
- Go hiking – maybe down to Cave of the Winds – spelunking anyone?!
- At least one night at City Park Jazz
- Much time in the park
- Buying a bocce ball set
- Basketball (at Lowry Park if anyone wants to play)
- Grilling (thinking of buying a portable grill for my balcony & the park)
- Cooking and baking – I stopped doing this and need to get back. I miss taking the time to experiment with new dishes.
That’s about all I can think of for now – I just need to make sure that I don’t get over whelmed with trying to fit too much in and give up on all of it!
As soon as I move my Sea-Monkeys, I will post some pictures (they are still too small right now) but I thought I would leave you with the recent photo taken from my night walk up on the Westerly Creek Dam.
This night was so perfect… my music – the sounds of nature – water, sparrows, geese, frogs and coyotes
Before/After Hair Cut
BEFORE
(Please pardon the speed talking, I was running out the door but wanted to do a quick video-just one take)
AFTER
Please note: I know these photos aren’t the best, but I was having a hard time taking a picture to really show off the amazing cut. As soon as I get the photos back from the salon, I will be sure to post those! So for now, these will just have to do.
I absolutely love this haircut and I so glad that I took the chance when I was given the chance! I am sure I will be growing out my hair again, but this is perfect for Spring and a new start at other life opportunities.
Chopping it off
I am currently sitting here at Luxe Salon and I am not going to lie, I am terrified. I was chosen to participate in the Bumble & Bumble seminar, where I am getting a razor bob hair cut – we are talking over 8 inches up to my chin!!! Basically I am being used as a hair model (aka guinea pig) to teach a class as well as take some photos for B&B. Hey, I will take anything that I can get; you never know when you are going to make a connection! I know it seems so silly to be scared of a hair cut but when it is something that you weren’t expecting or choosing to get, it can be frightful. It will be a good change for me, which I think is why I am not running out of here screaming.
Don’t worry, I will make sure to post before and after photos… but for now, I will sit here waiting in my uncomfortable stage until I transition into my shocked staged. Because once they cut, I cannot turn back…but luckily there are always extensions. And no matter what I have to remember, it is just hair… it will always grow back!
The Opposite Reaction
So I have reached the end of my 30 days of sobriety. I wish I could come out saying it was this wonderful amazing experience but for me, that happened within the first week! I think the reason it was such a powerful feeling the first five days was I boasted about my new challenge with anyone that stood around long enough to listen. I told office co-workers and bar customers, friends and family, but was I was surprised about – was the support. Even the heaviest of drinker friends didn’t try and pressure me; in fact I had people join me in my 30 day crusade, some during, some starting this upcoming month.
The effects went in immediately after stating that I wouldn’t be drinking for 30 days. I stop even wanting anything after the second day. I expected having many nights in, working out and going to bed early a.k.a. no social life. Instead the first week I was out EVERY NIGHT and similar schedule the week after. In fact, I think I have gone out and participated in more activities within the first 20 days of January then the last three months!
My nights were filled with dinner dates with friends, charity events, ice skating, school, Smash Putt, theatre shows, the stock show oh…and work. In the month of January I ended up having only two days off. Yes, that means I will have worked at least 29 out of the 31 days of January. I am amazed that I still had clean clothes!
Back to the activities… since I didn’t take pictures of everything that I participated in, I will leave you with the things that I have learned over the past 30 days (some related to the challenge and some not)
- scary how many of my activities revolve around alcohol
- once I announced my 30 days, many people wanted to join me
- many were too afraid to try though, knowing they might fail
- danced with a man for the first time (no snickering, just never had the opportunity) and found out that I need to learn how to follow, as in, not trying to lead (I play the male role when dancing with women)
- even the heaviest of drinkers supported me and didn’t pressure
- if you post on Facebook that you are getting set up on blind dates, no need for a dating service, men just seem to crawl out of the wood work, even those not on Facebook (and so far is working to my benefit)
- it isn’t as hard as you’d think to break or create a habit
- I should spend more time with family, mainly because I enjoy them (plus the little kids seem to grow up really quickly now a days)
- there are certain events that I now prefer to participate sober
- enjoying my journey re-discovering my faith, but just like school, it will be a long one
- my recent (small) weight loss might have been due to the lack of empty calories via alcohol (might)
- experiencing activities as an adult that I did as a child – not always the way I remember them, but still have the ability to evoke feelings
- true friends are always there for you, even when you think they’re not, and seem to touch base when you need it most, whether you were aware you needed them to
Plans for the future
While I may be out of adult time out, I am still on probation. I can’t just jump back in with both feet. I need to hang out in the wading pool for awhile. The next month, I will only be allowed to drink beer and wine and only two glasses per night or outing. I probably will have a beer or two for super bowl and some wine on Valentine’s Day. Also, I won’t be allowed to keep any booze in the house. Maybe after a couple of months, I can bring a small bottle, no longer the massive jug that one occupied the fridge. Not sure when the hard alcohol will come back into play but I’m in no rush; just taking one step at a time and everything in moderation. For now I will sip my pomegranate blueberry juice at night before bed and looking forward to encouraging the new round of friends that are giving the sobriety thing a go for the month of February. I TOTALLY SUPPORT YOU!
Single… and Looking For a Friend
So you are probably wondering. Is this a duplicate post? Nope… just realized that The Man and I work better as friends then as a couple. Don’t worry, I’m not upset. Within the same week I also found out my ex fiancé got married. I knew both were coming. Actually, it was funny that after I learned about my ex, I also forgot about it in less than an hour, until someone called to ask me how I was doing with the news. I am happy that he found someone as he is a great guy that deserves it. Same goes for The Man. Our relationship had been drifting apart for a couple weeks so I was planning on having “the talk” anyway. Turns out so was he. It was comical, we got together last night and after pouring me a margarita, he says the words “so, we gotta talk” and the first thing that I do is laugh, get a big grin on my face and say, “Sure, go ahead”. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling since he was thinking the same thing that I was! He just is always the first one to get to the point!
When we tried our relationship again, it was absolute bliss for a few weeks, than we fell back into the same routine. We both were adjusting, not changing, but more like compromising ourselves to accommodate each other. And at some point you want to stop because it gets so tiring, you start to feel like you are going crazy and want nothing more than to feel like yourself! There was nothing bad about our relationship; it just was kind of there, floating along…more like a friendship. So we tried and it didn’t work.
I am thankful he came into my life and is still there. He got me interested in things like sports, country music and reading again. He also was able to open my eyes to view the world in a different way. I enjoyed that I was able to teach him things like expanding his pallet even though I don’t think he found eating as pleasurable as I do!
Since he is still my friend, it’s not like I won’t ever see him again. What I will miss (as selfish as it sounds) is the permanent date. Might have been one of the reasons we didn’t break up sooner. Knowing that I had a something to do with someone every Saturday will be missed. I hate the fact that I don’t have a guaranteed companion to explore and experience new things while still being able to enjoy the company. If I could, I would place an ad for a best friend and it would read something like this: SWF looking for female to be platonic friends. Must like company & enjoy fun activities besides getting buzzed at a bar. Willing to accompany me on vacations & dinner outings. Pleasurable conversation a must! I will let you know how that goes but I think I am better off waiting for the friend store to open so I can buy one!
Now I have to go off on my own again, being a single girl. Why is that such a scary thing? Why is being alone so bad? IT ISN’T but it is always nice to have someone to be with. Maybe I might sign up for SINGLES IN THE 303…maybe… but for right now, I think I will go back to being myself. This means going out to dinner alone, volunteering, getting back to ballet & tap classes and spending time with all of my coupled girlfriends when they have the time. Plus school starts up in a couple weeks so my hours not spent at work will be filled with hours of completing homework and studying. Perhaps I could put together a core group of girlfriends, something that I never have had as they always seem to be males, and go from there. I am also due for a vacation as I believe my last official one was my engagement trip. I have been itch’n to go somewhere, it just doesn’t help that all the deals seem to be for Vegas, a place I have never been however, always a place to go with your closest friends…never by yourself. Maybe I will hit up a beach in Florida or California on my own first then save Las Vegas for my birthday in October. In the mean time, I am going to finish unpacking my box of toiletries and such that once lived under The Man’s sink and get on with the rest of my day… and life.
Do you even know how you like your eggs?
Do you remember Julia Roberts character in Runaway Bride and how she didn’t even know how she took her eggs because she always “liked” the same style of eggs as her mate? Why is it that many women go through a relationship trying to be the perfect girlfriend instead of just being themselves? We are constantly reading articles on what a man wants, what he think looks hot, and what these 100 men think of… Why? Why must we try to wrap out brains around what a man wants, why can’t we, geez I don’t know, ASK HIM?!!! Ugh! Instead, some of us walk around, gradually altering ourselves to becoming the person we think they want us to be so as not to be rejected. These changes can be something small like participating in an activity you hate doing or something extreme like agreeing with him about not wanting kids thinking you can change him later. I am sure that we have all fallen into this bad habit at some point but to what degree? I can’t deny that I was never this girl, slowly losing myself when transitioning from a “me” to a “we”. It can happen very slowly and easily and before you even know it, you have no idea who you are and what you really want.
I have been better over the last 4 years, defining myself as an individual in the relationship. Knowing full well that you have to hold onto who you are and what you believe in. If you start to conform to what you believe is what the partner wants, you will end up losing your partner. They liked you for who you are and if you lose that, what makes them want to stay with you?
The reason I bring up this up is I found myself doing that again with The Man. The Man and I have been hanging out almost every weekend since our breakup. Usually involving an event, whether a sporting event or a festival, then followed by food, drinks and tons of talking. It wasn’t until we got to talking about our relationship as friends that we realized both of our faults and the mistakes that we had made while together. I had discovered that I was trying to conform to what I thought he wanted. I remember the feeling of walking on eggshells at times, but couldn’t think of the reason why, until now; that I was never really being my honest true self.
The past month of being just friends was fantastic and I really enjoyed our time together! The main reason being so clear now; I could finally be myself. For the first time I could feel comfortable in my own skin because I figured that if he didn’t like me for who I really was, then he wouldn’t want to hang with me. (Authors note: I want to make it clear that this was a pressure that I put upon myself, not him telling me to act a certain way.)
Welcome to my newest story that started two weeks ago… Throughout the past month while we were friends, I think we were able to feel more comfortable with each other when there was no expectation or pressure to be something other than who we really are. We were just ourselves enjoying each others company being completely honest with one another. Throwing all the cards onto the table, sorting through them only to realize that despite the hand we were dealt, you still get the entire deck in the end.
I have never been one to go back to a relationship. I was a firm believer in when you break up with a person you don’t go back. You broke up with them for a reason otherwise you can find yourself in a horrible dependent relationship, breaking up and getting back together multiple times. But it took some kind words from friends for me to realize that it doesn’t always have to be that way. That sometimes adults make mistakes, that there is no mold that all relationships must fit into and that in the end, all that matters is that the two in the relationship are happy.
So yes, the Man and I are giving it another go but I am hesitant to say that we are “back” together. The word back implies that you are returning to the same place you left off. It is different this time, almost like a completely different relationship plus, you take into effect that we never really had a “break”, so I think the best way to describe it would be our relationship has taken a change in a better direction. Who knows what may happen or what will develop but I can make these promises to myself. I will make sure to watch and be aware of flags, whether they pop up as red, yellow or green. To always be honest, with him and myself, to make sure the lines of communication are open and flowing between us. Keep myself grounded enough to remember that I am not the only one in this relationship, that it will take two of us to make this work and if in the end, we both tried our hardest, than that is all that matters. I am ready to jump in and swim with my new clearer swim goggles, knowing that I cannot predict where point B ends but maybe it’s the journey of getting there, at a nice healthy pace, that counts.
Cha cha cha changes…
So much has happened in the past six weeks I just don’t know where to start! I guess we will start in chronological order.
I moved out of my parent’s house into my own apartment. I originally planned on buying a condo when I moved back to Colorado, but I didn’t find one that I liked AND could afford. Then I ended up with the bartending job which could barely pay the bills that I currently had but since I had never been to school before, I didn’t know how school was going to go and luckily that job allowed flexibility with my schedule.
In April, my brother moved back from Japan (he was working over there for the school year) and as much as I love my family, we are all old enough to know that we shouldn’t be living within the same home as adults. That would definitely be a FULL HOUSE! So, since I was unable to buy a place, I decided to rent. Oh… I love and hate shopping for an apartment. I am so particular when it comes to where I will be living. I have specific things that I need (my mother laughs at this all the time)
- High ceilings
- A big kitchen with lots of cabinets (I have so much kitchen stuff, let’s put it this way, I currently have 4 ovens in my kitchen…yep)
- Windows that let in natural light
- Space! At least 700 sq ft
That is pretty much for my needs. As for wants, it would be hard wood floors, not a 1970’s style kitchen, balcony and gas stove top are just an example. One of my BIGGEST rules is NEVER pay more than $1 per square foot! Well after looking for over a month, I think I got to point where I didn’t want to look any more. I settled on a place a little farther east of the city then I wanted, as I was looking for more of a neighborhood feel, but I fell in love with this…
A kitchen with enough cabinets! The island even has cabinets and I have filled every single one! There are things that I am not fond of but I think that come with every apartment. Unless you have the money, you have to be willing to compromise. And the thing you need to remember is that I can always move in a year, just like I used to do in the past. It is just nice to have my own space and independence that I haven’t had in almost 3 years when I first moved into my parent’s house to save money for a wedding. Dinner at my house? Yes!
I guess this brings me to my other recent change. In order to afford this new apartment, I also needed to get a new job…which I did! I found a fantastic job working as a Financial Aid Advisor for an online college. The job provides me with enough income plus benefits! I am truly lucky! It is something that I have never done before and it is my first job that is not food and beverage related but I think it will work perfectly with school. You see, it is challenging during the day to keep my mind stimulated…extreme multitasking. But when the day is over, it’s over. I can’t take this job home, mentally or physically! I have only been there one week but I really enjoy the people that I work with and looking forward to getting to know more about them in the future. I will miss my bar “family”, but whenever I feel that way, I can always go and visit them!
And the last change is I have completed my first year of college! I still can’t believe I did it. Now it seems like such a silly thing but I am proud of myself. I decided to take the summer off though to get settled into my job, but am looking forward to registering for the fall semester!
I think that brings everyone up to date for the most part. I still haven’t found a swimsuit (this one below I loved but it was discontinued) and have another two weeks left on my vegan diet.
On a similar note… I wanted to wish my good friend Luisa a big CONGRATULATIONS! She recently made a change in her life too (but I can’t say here because I don’t have her permission) and I am SO happy for her!
CONGRATULATIONS LUISA!!!!
An old one of Luisa and me