Did you ever have a moment when your eyes are finally opened for the first time and you see the world in an entirely different way? For some people it is a life threatening experience, for others it is the lost of a loved one or an event that forces them to change everything in their world. For me, my moment was at 25, right after I called off the wedding and went to therapy. I became an outgoing person wanting to see and experience life, like I was given this second chance to do something with my life.  I couldn’t believe that this world was here all along and I wasn’t participating in it.

My friend Gretchen (a.k.a. Grea – My Twin) just had that moment as well… she has recently experienced this clarity in life and I couldn’t be happier for her. It has given her the ability to see different possibilities for herself. Similar to the feeling that a proud parent has of a child, I am so happy that she is lucky enough to have this moment, where others go a life time without ever getting that chance. This is an experience that I hope everyone has, that they awaken out of the rut and start living their life to the fullest. I can’t wait to hear her stories of adventure; what new paths that she may stumble upon while walking down this new road and the people she meets along the way.

I guess the reason I bring this up is I miss having that feeling. I miss that wide-eyed innocent doe feeling that gave me strength and the power to do anything. My mind has been out of kilter lately. I have had a rough two weeks (for multiple reasons) and had a craving for friends to talk to. My friends have been busy with work, out of town or just unavailable. I have had this feeling of longing to be with them, just to talk or share their company.  I didn’t really get that chance to get together and the consequences proved themselves today when the ugly side of me came out.

The Man and I went to Breckenridge for the Fourth of July (the picture above taken from the drive up there). You see, I have had a craving for the mountains. To be outdoors, be one with nature, to be able to sit back and enjoy its wonderful beauty. It all makes sense now…I was looking for the healing of the outdoor world, being in a calm peaceful spot to try and re-group myself, putting the pieces back into place where they belong. While I had fun, I also had waves of insecurity and depression. I turned into “that girl”, that girl that I hate. I had built up this weekend in my head to be the one good thing that would turn my luck around, that The Man could save me from myself, but the truth is, the only one that can change my attitude… is me.

I do not like the fact that I projected my low points on The Man. I am a strong and confident women and it isn’t fair to do that to him and our relationship. Yes, a relationship isn’t always filled with laughter and fun; it is the hard times that push more growth, but why burden others because you cannot be a complete self? As long as I stay aware of my mental state then I should be ok. If I have to ask for help I will, but otherwise I will fight to stand on my own and for my happiness.

Tonight is July 4^th and I am home alone and I couldn’t be better. I didn’t get to eat hot dogs or hang with my family or friends but I did get my fill of little ones and sunshine. I was given a gift of seeing a part of my state through someone else’s eyes. I need and want this time alone. As the sun sets into the darkness, it has begun to rain. I kind of take that as a sign… the sign of self cleansing. There is nothing better than sitting outside at night, drinking a glass of wine and listing to the rain; to wash away the over analyzing thoughts in your head bringing a sense of peace within ones self.

With that, I leave you with a brief sound clip of tonight and hope you can re-group and have your own moment of clarity or cleansing

Rain Sound Clip